Three Signs It’s Time to Stop Talking and Start Listening

If you've ever been in a conversation that spiraled out of control, leaving everyone feeling empty and disconnected, you understand the impact of ineffective communication. Often, there are subtle signs indicating that the conversation is not heading in the right direction. As someone who has observed thousands of conversations between my clients, I've identified these signs, which I refer to as vital signs. Similar to how doctors monitor our physical vitals, we need to pay attention to these emotional indicators in others and adjust our approach for a more constructive dialogue.

Much like our bodies have universal indicators reflecting our physical state, emotional signs such as Emotions, Understanding, and Trust are omnipresent in human interaction. People communicate whether they intend to or not; pain elicits screams and recoiling, while curiosity prompts movement toward interesting things. To navigate conversations effectively, we must recognize these signs in real-time and use them as cues to guide our discussions.

Here’s a quick overview of the three signs that tell us exactly what to do next in the conversation:

Talk All You Want If

- Emotion is Positive: The other person is positive, smiling, happy, "normal," and engaged.

- Understanding is High: There is clarity about what is being discussed.

- Trust Is High: Proximity and connection are evident as they are open and engaged in the conversation.

Stop Talking and Start Understanding If

- Negative Emotion is on the Rise:

  - We repel each other when emotions are negatively charged.

  - Negative emotions typically lead to fight or flight responses.

- Understanding is Dropping:

  - Elevated emotion often hampers understanding.

  - Confusion signals a vital sign that it's time to slow down and focus on understanding until emotions and comprehension align.

- Trust is Dropping:

  - Trust diminishes as it becomes apparent that the person is more invested in their perspective than in the relationship.

The essence of a good conversation lies in reversing these three signs — decreasing negative emotion while simultaneously enhancing understanding and trust. When these signs manifest, it's crucial to cease talking and actively work towards understanding.

Some Role Play Ideas

Imagine hosting a baby shower where everyone is joyous, except for one guest who suddenly withdraws, with tears in her eyes.

- Notice the emotion: Is it positive or negative?

- Do you understand why? (Probably not, unless she’s your best friend and you were paying close attention.)

- Does she trust you in this moment? (Maybe, but she did pull away and seek privacy.)

If you approach her and she turns away, saying, “I’m fine, just give me a minute.”

- Vitals indicate:

  - Emotion - Still Negative and High

  - Understanding - Decreasing; she doesn’t want to engage.

  - Trust - Not at the moment.

Forcefully pushing for an explanation might escalate the situation, but expressing empathy could be more effective. Saying, “Stacy, I can see you’re hurting. I may not understand why, but I’m here for you, whether you want to share or not,” communicates care rather than pressure.

Consider other role plays involving coworkers, spouses, or children.

Other Questions to Ponder

- How can we encourage a partner who is reluctant to share their feelings?

- Why do we instinctively react rather than assess vital signs?

- How can we improve our ability to check the vitals of others? (Practice and empathy are key!)

- When is the best time to assess others' vitals? (Always! Recognize positive moods as well, not just negative ones.)