Six Rules to Remember When Conversations Turn Contentious

When conflict arises in a relationship, it can be challenging to navigate, and having effective tools to guide the interaction is crucial. Here are six rules to keep in mind when faced with intense discussions.

Be Clear About Your Goal

Be clear about your goal in the conversation. Identify whether the purpose is to win an argument or strengthen the relationship. Assess the other person's openness to the discussion and evaluate the significance and timing of what needs to be communicated. Recognize that your role is to express feelings rather than to fix or change the other person.

Check the Openness of the Other

Check the openness of the other person to communication. Verify if the "door" for conversation is open or closed, looking for signs of positivity, understanding, and trust. Respect the other person's boundaries and avoid pushing through a closed door. Consider the timing and environment for the conversation.

Notice Where the Emotions Are Heading

Notice where the emotions are heading during the discussion. Emotions convey genuine thoughts and intentions, so focus on the emotional cues rather than just the words spoken. Trust the emotions being expressed, as they reveal true feelings. Recognize when emotions are escalating and contributing to a contentious atmosphere.

Don't Take Things Personally

Avoid taking things personally during the conversation. Recognize that what others say reflects more about them than about you. Understand that hurtful remarks may indicate the other person's pain. View the conversation as an opportunity to decipher their language without personalizing attacks. Paraphrase what you hear without reacting defensively.

Highlight Where You Both Agree

Highlight where you both agree before delving into disagreements. Acknowledge that a significant portion of conflicts involves shared agreement. Point out areas of agreement to de-escalate arguments and demonstrate that you recognize and respect common ground.

Reinforce The Worth of The Other

Reinforce the worth of the other person. Foster intimacy by validating your partner's innermost being. Identify any identity or attachment issues during intense reactions. Reinforce the importance of your partner by recognizing their vulnerabilities. Summarize the conversation, acknowledging commonalities, and reinforcing the significance of your partner.

Incorporating these rules into challenging conversations can help steer them toward resolution and strengthen the foundation of the relationship. Effective communication is key to building and maintaining healthy connections.