Recognizing Your Raw Spots That Drive Your Reactivity

Have you ever experienced a conversation with someone close that triggers intense emotions, making you feel angry, insecure, sad, or ashamed? This strong reaction often stems from what Dr. Sue Johnson calls a "Raw Spot," where a present-day interaction subconsciously reminds you of a past experience where essential psychological needs were ignored or deprived. To handle and expose these raw spots, here are four ways to get real where you are raw.

1. Recognize Your Emotions

Pay close attention to your emotions, as they don't lie. The four common emotions of raw spots are anger, sadness, fear, and shame. Signs of hitting a raw spot include an emotional reaction disproportionate to the event and a sudden shift in mood. Use these emotions as signals to pay attention to unmet emotional needs without getting caught up in theatrics.

2. Explore the Story Behind the Emotion

Try to understand the deeper need not being met in the situation. Recognizing and understanding the emotion allows you to make sense of it and empathize with your partner. Identify triggers by exploring examples such as exclusion, undervalued input, rejected dreams, doubts about abilities, being misunderstood, criticism, or feeling judged.

3. Attend to The Starved Past

Understand that interactions have a past, present, and future. Focus on the whole pain rather than just the present pain. Acknowledge that your pain and stress are not solely caused by your partner. Avoid self-blame and explore past experiences where your psychological needs were not met. Connect with and care for the pain, share it with others, and show how past insecurities can impact present realities.

4. Lift the Interaction by Feeding the Deeper Need

Use the information to manage expectations and conversations. Create space in the emotion by taking a timeout to process your feelings and needs. Communicate openly about the underlying emotional need, talking as the adult version of yourself. Discuss your needs, ask your partner for what you need, and avoid blaming them. Admit your past and share it openly to have more reasonable expectations in the present, focusing on solving current issues.