Five Principles to Stabilize A Rocky Relationship

Every significant relationship will face challenges. Whether it's a friend, partner, business associate, or family member, these relationships will be tested. Instead of panicking during turbulent times, apply principles to slow down the sinking process and preserve the relationship. Here are five principles to increase your chances of keeping your relationship alive and stabilizing it over time:

1. Respect Don’t React

Reactivity is not the best approach; choose to respect yourself, the other person, and all involved. Reactivity leads to decisions based on moods, circumstances, or situations. Respect your values and avoid sinking to your lowest self just because others are reactive. Instead of reacting, respond based on your highest values and principles.

2. Understand Don’t Assume

Avoid assumptions in communication; strive to understand what led to the other person's response. Information is power; understanding fosters trust and strengthens your position. Instead of assuming, seek to understand specifically what the other person means by their statements. Show understanding through active listening and caring.

3. Attend Don’t Defend

Defending does not solve anything; people need to feel cared for before listening to reasoning. Attend to others' deeper needs of feeling lovable, capable, that they belong, and are safe. Raw spots, where emotional needs were not met in the past, often drive unhealthy reactions; attend to these deeper needs. Attending means staying in the space and addressing deeper pains rather than retreating.

4. Share Don’t Shame

Share your opinion and pain but do it in a way that others will want to listen. Avoid shaming, as it implies judgment and diminishes another's worth. Personalize comments on actions or behaviors rather than making it about the person. Share ideas while appreciating the ideas of others; focus on actions and their impact.

5. Serve Don’t STARVE

Serve instead of starving others even when it seems justified; service is a non-verbal communication of your best self. Service is a non-verbal way to show you're still committed to being your best self. Use service as a means to feel connected to others. Instead of reacting negatively, choose service as a principled response to unprincipled behavior.

By applying these principles, you can navigate challenging times and work towards stabilizing your relationships in a healthy and principled manner.