Being A Fire Fighter Not A Flame Thrower: Three Tools to Manage Your Reactivity In Contentious Conversations

Divisiveness and division are prevalent in our world, with individuals and groups polarizing positions rather than seeking common ground. To combat this trend, some act as firefighters, aiming to diminish sparks and prevent emotional wildfires. Others, driven by ignorance or malicious intent, become flame throwers, contributing to the destructive flames of discord.

Check the Temperature in the Conversation

Reactive Problem: Elevating the temperature and emotion in arguments. Recognize temperature changes in conversations as indicators of underlying emotions. Use their emotions as a teaching tool to understand the condition of the person you're talking to. Stay present, connect to your purpose, engage your higher brain, and breathe to avoid reactivity.

Humanize the Other by Learning Why It’s Personal

Reactive Problem: Demonizing or dichotomizing the other. Avoid narrowing or objectifying others when threatened; see the whole person. Explore their story to lower emotions and increase understanding. Broaden your view of others by truly listening, understanding past, present, and future concerns, and inviting them to share their personal connection to the issue.

Hear Their Heart to Earn Their Trust

Reactive Problem: Thinking trust is given and not earned. Recognize that trust needs to be earned by getting into the heart of the other person. Understand that the fight or flight impulse takes time to reverse; listening is key. Demonstrate a genuine "Hear to Heart" approach, sharing your heart and listening without reacting. Dr. Brene Brown's concept of the "help me move a body" person highlights the importance of trustworthy relationships.

By implementing these tools, individuals can become pioneers in the world of peacemaking, managing their reactivity and contributing to the de-escalation of contentious conversations. The goal is to be a firefighter, not a flame thrower, by fostering understanding, empathy, and trust.