An Inside-Out Approach to Closing the Gap on Your Relationship Discontent

I always say that relationships are the great practice of moral character and spiritual development. Humans are in “relationship” with a lot of different people every day, a spouse, our children, friends, and coworkers for example. I’ve found however, that there is one relationship that for many of us we usually tend to overlook. It is, in fact, the relationship which we are most impacted by, the one where we can be most vulnerable, needy, and open and yet the one that we hardly ever pay much attention to or respect very deeply. That is the relationship we have with ourselves, with our own mind, body, and spirit. I’ve found really that most times when we’re feeling most discontent or unhappy in our “external” relationships, it is usually when we are also feeling most disconnected or unhappy with our “internal” relationship with ourselves. Here are 4 steps to strengthen your relationship with yourself and in turn strengthen your relationships with others.

1. Acknowledge You Are Your Real Source of Relationship Discontent

“The biggest problem with today’s relationships is people who say they want to have relationships, but really just keep living their life like they’re single, but with a partner.” You are the common denominator in every relationship you’ve ever been in. You are responsible for how you respond, think, feel, manage expectations, interpret the actions of others, react, perceive, serve, support, forgive, and respond in your relationship. You are the one who projects, fights, flights, freezes, and fawns; you’re the one who writes the stories and remembers the offenses. You are the reason things can go well, and you are the reason that things fall apart.

2. Clarify Your Deepest Relationship Values and Principles

Know what you want your relationships to look like by identifying your values. Identify specifically what you would want others to say about you in different relationship roles on your 90th birthday. Document everything in every category you would love them to say about you to determine your most important values.

3. Mind The Gap Between Your Ideal and Your Real Responses

All pain comes from the gap between your ideal self (your values and ideal view of the relationship) and your real self (your real delivery on those principles). Identify the gap between your ideal responses and your real responses. Become more aware of the gap without justifying, ignoring, avoiding, excusing, or embellishing it.

4. Close the Gap by Choosing to Offer The Greatest Good

The Greatest Good is when you deliver what is the greatest good to your relationship, in the healthiest way, at the right time, and based on your highest values. Ask the "Greatest Good Question": “What is the most essential thing I can do right now in this situation to live my highest values and beliefs?” Determine if you’ll offer your greatest good regardless of how others respond. The goal is to align your actions with your highest values and beliefs, offering the greatest good even in challenging situations.