October 10, 2016

The One Thing That Makes You One

Research shows that human beings really can only meaningfully focus on one thing at time. But instead we tend to get lost focusing on two or three things in our marriages and about 15 things in our lives. So many times my clients feel so alone in their marriages and so deeply want to feel like they belong. If our goal is to create “Oneness”, then we might want to know what it looks like. I see oneness as a variety of words mixed all into one — words like single minded, whole, harmony, the state or condition of being one, the combining or joining of separate things or entities to form one, agreement, togetherness, a union. So it’s time to create a sense of “Oneness” by learning to focus on the “One” thing you need most right now. Let’s begin our discovery of “oneness” by starting a conversation about . . .

 What Does “Oneness” Look Like?

  • What are some examples where both partners felt “Oneness”?
  • Find examples of Oneness from the Past, Present and Future
  • Examples of not fighting.
  • EXAMPLES- Before money stressors, when you were having regular sex, before kids, when we’re on vacations, when we had more time together . .

What Does “Oneness” Feel Like?

  • Now take the discussion beyond the actions that show that you’re at one, and see what it feels like.
  • Together discuss what felt different about the relationship back then (before kids, one vacation, when you had more money).
  • You might have answers like: we felt more united, less stressed, happy to see each other, more important, more wanted,
  • More Safe, Trusted, Appreciated, Respected, Valued, Encouraged, Dedication (STARVED Stuff).

What Is The “One” Feeling That Matters Most Now?

  • What is the Most Important Feeling We Need To Create “Oneness” In Our Marriage?
  • Go through what you discussed earlier and discover together the “One” feeling that would be most valuable to recreate in the marriage.
  • Can you see the one thing that if you could create significantly more of would take your marriage to the next level?
  • If we could make each other feel more safe, would it have a huge impact?

What Can We Do Today To Focus On Our “One” Thing?

  • Every day ask the question, “What is the most important thing we can do today to strengthen our one thing?”
  • Brainstorm with your partner about activities, classes, exercises, books and what you need to do every day to strengthen this one thing.
  • Commit to spending the next year working on that one thing.
  • Identify how you’ll measure the one thing.

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