Research shows that human beings really can only meaningfully focus on one thing at time. But instead we tend to get lost focusing on two or three things in our marriages and about 15 things in our lives. So many times my clients feel so alone in their marriages and so deeply want to feel like they belong. If our goal is to create “Oneness”, then we might want to know what it looks like. I see oneness as a variety of words mixed all into one — words like single minded, whole, harmony, the state or condition of being one, the combining or joining of separate things or entities to form one, agreement, togetherness, a union. So it’s time to create a sense of “Oneness” by learning to focus on the “One” thing you need most right now. Let’s begin our discovery of “oneness” by starting a conversation about . . .
What Does “Oneness” Look Like?
What are some examples where both partners felt “Oneness”?
Find examples of Oneness from the Past, Present and Future
Examples of not fighting.
EXAMPLES- Before money stressors, when you were having regular sex, before kids, when we’re on vacations, when we had more time together . .
What Does “Oneness” Feel Like?
Now take the discussion beyond the actions that show that you’re at one, and see what it feels like.
Together discuss what felt different about the relationship back then (before kids, one vacation, when you had more money).
You might have answers like: we felt more united, less stressed, happy to see each other, more important, more wanted,
More Safe, Trusted, Appreciated, Respected, Valued, Encouraged, Dedication (STARVED Stuff).
What Is The “One” Feeling That Matters Most Now?
What is the Most Important Feeling We Need To Create “Oneness” In Our Marriage?
Go through what you discussed earlier and discover together the “One” feeling that would be most valuable to recreate in the marriage.
Can you see the one thing that if you could create significantly more of would take your marriage to the next level?
If we could make each other feel more safe, would it have a huge impact?
What Can We Do Today To Focus On Our “One” Thing?
Every day ask the question, “What is the most important thing we can do today to strengthen our one thing?”
Brainstorm with your partner about activities, classes, exercises, books and what you need to do every day to strengthen this one thing.
Commit to spending the next year working on that one thing.
Identify how you’ll measure the one thing.
Lessons from Matt’s Favorite Guys
What do the most influential men in our lives all have in common? Here are 4 examples from my life of those influential leaders and the qualities they emulate.
Bart Summerhays- (Youth Leader) “To Believe In Myself!”
The Lesson- Bart taught me to believe in myself. He always found time to be with me and around me and reflected the best of who I was back on to me. He was a light, not a critic.
When it comes to things I wasn’t sure I can do like an LDS mission college, getting married and starting a family, Bart got it into my head that I could do anything. He taught be to say, “Oh yes I can!”
Stories- I don’t remember any lectures, just gentle guidance during golf games, putting tournaments, road trips and working with him as a courier.
He just kept telling me what my gifts and talents were and modeling for them what that can become, not just what they think they can do.
Eventually, because of his guidance, I knew I could “Go on a mission, go to college and get married and raise a family!”
The Lesson I Now Teach- “Reflecting a person’s best self is a better motivator, and over time, can make miracles.”
Martin Townsend- (Dad)- “Lighten Up Life With A Laugh!”
The Lesson- My dad taught me the power of making people laugh to heal, handle hard things and soften some of the tougher lessons of life.
Story- My dad is a seriously funny guy with a hilarious sense of humor. I remember watching him use his unique social skills and his sense of humor to take difficult situations and taking the edge or pressure off.
The Lesson I Now Teach- “The fastest way to someone’s heart is one laugh at a time.”
Michael J. Preece– (Father In Law)- “A Life Without Learning Is Lifeless!”
The Lesson- “Learning is a Life Long Process”
My father-in-law is the smartest man I know. He’s a cardiologist, graduated number one in his classes and was one of the best doctors in Utah. He is also an avid learner and taught me the importance of constantly learning and sharing your learning.
Story- My father in law, while doing procedures in his office, would talk to his Spanish speaking nurse only in Spanish, and eventually over time he learned to speak Spanish pretty well. Now he’s an excellent cook, great tennis player, master woodsman, scholar, and author.
The Lesson I Teach- “Living, Loving and Leading are all made better when we’re learning.”
Ralph Smith- (Adopted Grandpa) “Love Is A Verb, Not a Feeling!”
My Lesson- Ralph taught me that love was a verb, not a feeling. He taught me that the harder one works and serves another, the more you fall in love with them. There is no one you can’t love, if you’ll lose yourself for them.
Story- He worked for his wife and loved her even when she couldn’t love him back fully, and there’s the story about the prisoners that he oversaw at the prison and how he learned to seriously care for them because he put so much effort into helping them.
The Lesson I Now Teach- “If you want to stay in love, stay in service.”
