February 22, 2016

Close the Closeness Gap

Closeness is one of the biggest cancers plaguing todays relationships. Technology overload, miscommunication and a variety of new choices today all expedite the problems of closeness. As marriage researcher, Kira Asatryan explains in her new book, “Stop Being Lonely” we have to combat the lack of closeness in the relationship if we are ever going to improve our marriages. Here are four steps to “Close the Closeness Gap.”

The Cause Of Crumbling Closeness

  • The cause of crumbling closeness is simply a major lack of understanding who your partner really is.
  • How many times do you feel distant from your partner even when they’re only a few feet away.
  • I hear many in my office who say to their partner, “I feel like don’t really even know who I am.”
  • Your ultimate goal as a partner is to truly understand your partner from their position and not from your own.

Closing the Understanding Gap

  • You must understand how your partner sees themselves in comparison to how you see them.
  • Stop seeing your partner only from your frame of reference.
  • Understanding your partner from their frame of reference.
  • Identify what they see their best and worse traits.
  • When they say that they think that they are smart, understand what that means to them. When they say they lack confidence, understand what that means.

Communicate Closeness By Showing Informed Acts of Care

  • Use your new understanding of how they see themselves to educate how you best should care for your partner.
  • Examples:
    • If they feel that they’re “smart” give them opportunities to share their wisdom.
    • If they lack confidence, find ways to point out what they do well.
    • If they feel that they’re funny, you could laugh more or try to appreciate their attempts.
    • If they feel that they’re lazy, then you could point out how hard they’re working.
  • Showing caring is helping to build on their strengths and weaknesses, not to bully them on the same point.

Communicate Your Enduring Commitment

  • People feel closer to others when they know that they are safe with their partner.
  • Communicate to your partner that you’re commitment is an enduring one.
  • Enduring means that it is something you will “hold on firmly to”. Commit to your partner that you’re in for the duration.
  • When people sense that their partner is truly “IN” the relation till death do us part, it creates a sense of safety that could help to improve the relationship.

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