Know Their Answers & Hooks Are In Them, Not You!

  • I am convinced that most people already know what they need to do in difficult situations; they just aren’t strong enough yet to do it. They know the answers and they know what they’re stuck or hooked on as well. That really is why they want your advice.
  • Motivational therapy suggests that people are much more inclined do what they suggest to do then what you suggest they do. So let them tell you what they would advise in a similar situation.
  • Recognize that really what you’re trying to fix is the dueling commitment. The other thing that they know they need to fix that is keeping them from getting the results they need.
  • A quick answer like “I don’t know why I’m feeling this way” may be a sign that they feel reluctant to share their answers with you.
  • Make is safe and use the next step about asking effective questions will help them uncover their own issues.
  • The hooks that they may be caught up on are also in themselves too, so we need to let them explore with us safely, until we hear the hook.

 Use Questions To Turn On Some Lights

  • It’s hard to find our way out of a difficult situation unless we have the lights on to see what is in our way. Instead of actually figuring out what is hanging us up, many people just want to keep talking about the same old problems over and over again.
  • Many times you’ll have people that are impatient and wanting to know your immediate response to a situation or a problem.
  • Example: “So I really don’t know what to do about moving my son into a new school or not, what do you think I should do?
    • Answer: Wow it sounds like you’re really at a loss of what to do with your sons schooling. Before I answer that, let me ask you this…
      • What are your goals for your son and his schooling?
      • What have you seen has happened in the past?
      • What does your heart already tell you about this decision?
      • What does your head tell you?
      • Which do you trust more?
      • What have you learned making similar choices like this one in the past?
    • The goal of these questions are to gather more information and to help to put the person in a position where they are ready to make their own decisions.

 Reflect Back What You Hear Them Saying

  • Our goal is to let the other talk as much as we can. If they have the answers and they have the energy, then just sit back and listen to what they’re saying and see if you can tell what their real position is on the subject.
  • Use phrases like…
    • So it sounds like you really like to have your child try another school but you’re afraid he’ll lose his friends? Is that right?
    • So it sounds like you’re worried that you might be pushing your son too hard? You’re too demanding?
    • I’m sensing that your worried because you and your husband are on different pages when it comes to your child’s schooling.
  • This reflective process helps them see through the chaos of their own lives.
  • The more they talk, the better they will feel and the more you understand about what is really going on deeper down.
  • Talking eliminates negative emotion and increases understanding. Two of the biggest obstacles to why they’re not making progress in the first place.

Point Out Their Inconsistencies

  • It sounds like you’re worried you’re pushing your son to hard and yet you never said much about that. What did you mean by that?
  • Sounds like it’s hard if you and your husband are on different pages to feel like you’re making a great decision for you son? How is that affecting you about this?

 Be Cautious About Giving Advice

  • We need to be cautious about giving advice for at least a couple of reasons.
  • 1st– Some people actually end up taking advice. So you need to watch out about giving advice unless you’re really sure and invested in the best interest of the person you’re advising.
    • Too many friends suggest, flippantly, that their friend needs to leave their husband. It’s not that simple. So be careful giving out such advice.
  • 2nd– Some people need someone else to blame for their choices and decisions that they make in their lives. So be giving too much advice you might also be giving other people a lot of content to eventually blame you for.
  • Instead just ask…If I had a magic wand and it would help you handle all of the complicated issues surrounding this problem. What specifically would you do first to begin to make a change?